the bully blog

two parts to this blog.  a rant about where bullying comes from based on the film, follwed by a little more concise direction about what to do about bullying.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?

the documentary bully (aka the bully project) takes place mostly in iowa and oklahoma, equally between those two places is where i grew up.  this film is a dead on example of life in the midwest.  the struggles of kids that have no empowerment happens just this way and the film has a real appreciation for the variety of life stories. 

what this film doesn’t spell out, but only inferences, is that the essence of what forms a person’s life experience and personality comes from the home life (or lack thereof).  if parents are alcoholic, abusive, workaholic, or otherwise occupied with things other than taking care of home business, the child pays the biggest price.  fetal alcohol, or any other type of irresponsible things adults can do, creates an unfortunate and undeserving situation for children.  then, mother nature gives premature births, brain damage, or other unfortunate maladies make kids less able to protect themselves be it because of inability to cope, assert themselves, or being smaller in stature.  such kids will be more vulnerable.  they will be targets of being picked on.  then, exacerbating these factors quite often are the economic status of such kids. 

this film doesn’t bring up poverty explicitly, likely because both the bullied as well as the bully come from such backgrounds.  but the cinematography, shows a relative lack of resources, growing up in less than ideal circumstances.  back in the midwest, you’d see the most wicked shit in trailer parks, though my uncle lived in a nice place when i was a kid that i sometimes wish to relive. i’d flip out if i had lived in such high drama places where the cops may as well have lived on site.   even worse, say a child wouldn’t be allowed to have a dog.  or something as seemingly insignificant to a person that takes that kind of thing for granted.  the nature of having a pet or something to take care of and be responsible for has an immeasurable impact on future responsibilities.

the most pertinent aspect that this film does hammer on continually is the role of authorities.  from the outset, a teacher in bully has the audacity to ask the kids “who has a friend?” and then “who has more than one friend?”  what i wanted to know was who asks questions like that?   it’s very clear that people spend too much time wondering what must cause a bully to act as they do, while we forget about the marsh kids are bred in.  the most responsible parties to exacerbating childhood madness are mid-level authorities asserting control, power-tripping fools, rather than having any sort of human connection.  i have definitely seen teachers with less maturity than kids.  

one of the main "authorities", and the film won’t say it because of how taboo the subject, but church is the biggest breeding ground of intolerance.  very few christians actually act christ-like in daily life.  case in point, churches are the last frontier for gay people to have a voice, even though the bible explicitly says to love all people and treat people the way you would want to be treated.  most midwesterners are baptist, which is not exactly the most welcoming of religions.  only in super exceptional cases, like my aunt’s former church that had a comfortable freedom to be yourself, will a church be able to mesh with the outside world.  for the most part, churches are still not overly welcoming of homosexuals.  certain authorities, from cops to preachers to teachers, do a lot to promote hatred, even if unknowingly at times.  and that’s where the film does not miss a beat with “the plastic smiles,” nothing getting done by administration, the frustrated parents… “the atmosphere must be set by the administration. if not, all else fails.”

humans try to find things like cure to cancer?  why does it matter, when we prove over and over that we will find senseless ways to kill ourselves anyway?  if we can’t figure out how to care about other people, it doesn’t really matter if we can live forever.  there is always a darwin award waiting to be given to the most irresponsible person.  and the competition for such awards is so high it is nearly an olympic event.  how do stupidity and shortsightedness help a cause to be compassionate about the future of humanity? 

“you feel that way until you’re in that situation. then it’s personal.”  this can apply to both the bullies and the bullied.  in a "personal" situation in the film, the teacher completely missed by chewing out the kid who got bullied and let the bully off the hook. her rationale of “he was saying he’s sorry!” drew loud laughter from the audience.  obviously if you cater to someone, they are going to act accordingly.  and why should the bullied kid care about an empty apology from either of those fake people?   “they push me so far that i wanna be the bully.”  from every side it makes sense to be a bully.  when administrators feed into it and when it meets a person’s needs, life becomes easy that way.  we need more attention paid to what enables a bully.  erase the playing field, make everyone equal.

of all the extreme acts of desperation the film shows us, the one we think about the least is the bullied becoming the bully in an extreme act of desperation when the girl brought her mother’s gun on the bus.  apparently tired of hearing references to being sexually abused, she goes bat crazy on some dudes.  but then what happens?  for a largely understandable reaction, the teenager gets threatened with 45 felony charges from a hard line cop.  he pushed 22 charges of kidnapping on her!  for gods sake, she isn’t responsible for other kids being on the bus or where they were going or when they could get off the bus.  she wasn’t holding anyone against their will.  she was pissed and going after her perpetrators.  the tension kept building, because the bus drivers and all others “in charge” never did shit!   besides, what is the penalty for scaring someone?  “there is nothing we can do,” the white cop says to the black mother.  that was the repeating scenario: from the principal, to the school board, to the police, “nobody does nothing” except exacerbate problems by turning a blind eye.   “kids will be kids, boys will be boys,” and “it’s complicated and difficult, but…” and the administrators voice trails off.  there is a word for that approach, it’s called apathy.  and apathy has never done anything but give fuel to a fire.

the approach goes so far as to the school pushing the problem back onto the parents.  in almost every case, parents feel more empathy with kids than a school official can, even if the parents and kids don't get along. the parent's in the school meeting at the end are the only ones with enough courage to fire back at the police chief at the first mention of taking a hard stand, when a mother asked why the officers in the school refused to file charges after abuses had taken place.  what response did the police chief have for that?  nothing, of course, while undoubtedly thinking, “yep! fucked that one up.”

instead of solving problems, they keep fucking up.  even after videos from the bus route showed kids being cruel, the administrator said those kids are “good as gold” and thus “politicianed” the parents.  the school must really believe kids are stupid.  kids can read such behavior, body language by school officials. they don't understand the politically correct language that adults spend hours in offices trying to perfect.  they do understand the writing between the lines. and from that are the boundaries they will test.  it’s almost like modeling in reverse.  kids learn not to trust such people and act completely the opposite.  if only it made sense at a young age not to trust advertisers, popularity contests, or other gimmicks.  few kids are lucky to understand that which provides much strength to tackle life’s bullshit.  one poor kid in the film did, left without his friend who had committed suicide, said, “i used to be be a bully…then i decided to be cool with everyone.”  he got it. 

despite the administrators treating kids like they’re stupid, the kids in the film had the wisdom that none of the adults had. they were the ones learning lessons such as “you’re not standing up for yourself, you’re standing up for everyone around you.”   the kids were the ones that not willing to back down, “if i leave, they win,” or “i don’t believe in luck, i believe in hope.”   these kids continually spouted off gandhi-level wisdoms, while the administrators had a steady arsenal of ums and buts.

bully does try to turn out somewhat of a feel good story.  in the end, the main kid finds friends.  and whereas it is true that things do get better, adults so burnt out from the struggle will get excited for any solution that they rely on catchphrases like “oh, it’ll be ok.”  no matter how a statement is meant, it gets taken in as thoughtless and blowing off the kids.  people have to dig deeper for solutions.  of course things will be ok.  things come in cycles, they get better, they get worse.  almost anyone, even a little kid, can understand that.  but that doesn’t make current life any more bearable or help someone wish to keep living a nightmare.  taking care of people is hard work.  like taking care of ourself, we have to keep our guard up.  we also have to keep our guard up when taking care of other people.  and taking care of other people, even those we don’t agree with, is what enables us to be able to, in turn, take care of ourselves.  and since kids aren’t stupid, they understand at least on an intrinsic level.  but as kids get more sick of dealing with bullshit (ie, the cesspool environment they are provided), the less motivated they are to even try to help themselves or others.  by the time they get to be adults and have to deal with the shit that other adults put out, no more mr. nice guy is god damn right!  someone has to be responsible.  as the film said “everything starts with one.”  that “one” starts with the people who have been around the block enough to know how to act, teaching the young ones.  adults, however, are not always that competent.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

after the film, the moderator, a school counselor, asked, what is the one thing you can do?  the ultimate answers were, “make sure they’re safe” and then “ask them what they need.”  that’s the physical side, like if we wanted to teach a first aid responder course. that’s the “cure” phase of a situation.  as usual, and not intrinsically understood by a capitalist society, the more valuable piece is prevention.

in my experience as a child, life was rough from my earliest memories (about second grade). junior high school was particularly brutal.  i found ways to cope, the easiest might be the fact that i had moved around so much and been in so many different schools, that the bullies didn’t have a lot of time to figure me out.  not that i had time to learn how to build any relationships either, so i was particularly aloof and by most measures not concerned with a damn thing. by high school, things just rolled off my shoulder, particularly after three noteworthy character building and asserting moments during my freshman year.

strength in resiliency was a particularly useful tool learn, as was a stoic feeling toward inevitable bad results.  resiliency helps growth, such as the thinking that, “if i leave, they win.”  it’s not easy to stand up for yourself, as the discussion participants acknowledged, but once you get knocked to the ground, beat up and bones broken enough times, you eventually figure out that if you’re going to get your ass kicked anyway, you might as well get a few punches in on the way down. if nothing else, it builds a certain level of fearlessness.

by high school though, two somewhat taboo things helped me.  things which the church would probably advise agasint as well. 

rock and roll was the main one. this is more than some silly catch phrase. this is a real religion.  some people accused bands like suicidal tendencies for causing teen suicides.  i would accuse them only of being lifesavers by giving me something to relate to.  knowing that other people struggle is the first step to building empowerment and community.  that’s a hard thing to understand when all you see is another fist punching you in the nose.  (and you can use that thought metaphorically from the neighborhood bully all the way to the president of the united states.)  no matter where i was or what i dealt with, most pain was dealt with by the spirit of rock and roll.  then the grooves of funk.  then the swing of jazz.  that was a community.  that was healing.  a person becomes one with nature and free-spirited in more facets of life through music. even plants do.  when one becomes more loose and free-spirited, that also makes it easier to find friends.  so, if you’re looking for help from me to deal with bullying abuse, look up suicidal tendencies.  they’re still kicking bullies asses 30 years after making their first appearance appearance on the repo man soundtrack.  exactly 25 years ago,  their album “how will i laugh tomorrow, when i can’t even smile today” showed me that other people felt the same pain i did.  the band lineup has revolved, but still some bass wrecking, guitar rippin’ guys backing up mike muir.  s.t. is back this year with an album called 13.  it is among their best.  if they do not beome rock and roll hall of famers, they will at least become rabble rouser hall of famers.  listen to them and figure out how to save yourself.  jello biafra and iggy pop are still around with new music to make you feel pissed off, bull-headed and motivated as well. thanks to people like eternal tapestry and tartufi for manning a different post in making life relaxed enough to stop and put all the pieces together to figure things out.  there are many other characters in the rock and roll saga, but you get the idea. tell a bully, “you may hurt me, but i’ll still have more fun because your life will be more miserable the more you hurt me."  that is karma.  don’t think about karma being religious based.  karma happens all over the natural world.  every action comes with a reaction.   “rock and roll will save your save your soul,” is a fact not just a cliché.

the second main thing that helped is probably even more taboo: marijuana and lsd.  by the time i moved to yet another new town to begin high school, i had long lost concern with even trying to make friends.  i knew i fit in even less in a rich kid school than the trashy community i had come from.  after those three main unmentioned events, mentioned above, in my freshman year, i finally found an outlet to cool.  the stoner kids were the most tolerant of any group on campus.  despite the propaganda against it, marijuana is known for many therapeutic uses,  one great one in this situation is how it mellows people out.  and let's not even imagine how comfortable of a relationship you need to feel with a person if you are willing to take acid with them.  by that point, you know you have people you can relate to.  this isn’t to advocate smoking weed or doing drugs.  if there is another way, go that way!  still, marijuana is such a powerful sent-from-above coping mechanism with so many healing properties that i can’t believe it has taken so long for people to become accepting.  the reason it has taken so long is undoubtedly tied to the same reasons that foster bullying: people have continued fascinations with making money, being powerful, living high class and shitting on those that don’t share that vision.  that’s a different and longer argument, but the main point being give someone a different outlet and some good reasons for existence, and the result output is accordingly positive.

but outlets only work if one is provided a key to the lock. what if, as most kids fear, the whole world really is against you?   in my nasty junior high school years, i broke several bones, had many more dark courtyard scuffles, locked inside lockers, stuffed into trash cans, pestered with verbal abuse, bus experiences were as bad as those shown on the film and on and on. but all that was just preparation.  in the end, junior high school was easy to tolerate above the abuse that “adults” deal to each other daily, namely th epolitics of grad school.

the worst bullying i ever dealt with was the psychological bullying from the university of ******.    a woman named ****** ***** ******** was the biggest bully with a flock of sheep that carried out her authority for their own political agendas and job security.  what do you do about that?  i’ll give you an honorary masters degree if you can figure that out.  when you have been bullied by an administration, who do you seek justice from?  the dean?  then the provost?  that was the end of line, because the president sure never would deal with such dirty work.  he was busy digging his own grave with the governor.  and they still can’t believe they had to let their president resign?  loyal to the death, the administration spoke out so approvingly of the jackass.  the first year and a half, school was just more than neccesary.  living in ****** wasn’t nice, but it worked out.  by the last year and a half, i lived in ********** and tolerated life in general much better, but the grad school side of life had begun and was the worst abuse i ever dealt with.  when i went through the greivance process, they denied everything, and everyone backed the bullies up.  even the people within who knew what was going on wouldn’t say anything.  what would their comments have done but get them blacklisted as well?  so, who do you go to?  a lawyer?  i tried contacting at least ten.  not one responded, except for a friend of a friend, who didn’t live in the state and didn’t have any recourse.  what do you do when you’ve risen to the top of the scrap heap and still have no help?   all that remain are a bunch of scars, which have landed you $60,000 in debt, and counting. further into debt everyday i wake up.  on some level, the nightmare doesn’t end. on some level, i can only revert to the resiliency learned long ago, to laugh shit off and crank up the rock and roll.  so you “beat” me.  fuck you!  i’m still alive and screaming at you. 

if the simple path doesn’t get you to the destination, here are a few other odds and ends, general guidelines discussed follwing the film.

- pay attention to the successes in your life and be appreciative of the good things you do have. don’t get a vanity plate that reads “fml” if you drive a mercedes for god’s sake.

- look for places outside the places of stress. not fitting in is even more cool than being cool.  the stoners in high school didn’t fit in, that’s how i related. sucidal tendencies weren’t a mainstream top 40 band that sang love songs, but they were emmensly cooler and more original because of it.

- educate the next person. if you are going to have to struggle, the least you can do is try to alleviate struggles for the next person.  use that experience and self-awareness to benefit other people. test your own personal boudaries and then share that information. help people recognize their own empowerment.

- listen to others and set aside your own personal crap.  the main problem all this goes back to is that no one listens.  people get exhausted with life and walk like a zombie through it.  resist that!  listening is hard work, but it’s the only way to understand.  and listening is not a game of waiting for a break in the conversation to get in the point you want to make. 

everyday of my life, i encounter people that are so consumed with their own problems that they do not share their experience and/or do not adequately listen. this is speaking in general, not just about solving one person’s problem with bullying or anything else.  having compassion and setting aside your own beliefs is obviously difficult.  after so many millinnea, humanity still repeats the same mistakes over and over.  until we are ready to sit down and listen and put others before self, we continue down the path to doomsday.  how many people would be willing to spend and entire day writing a blog about their feelings on a subject?    if we can’t listen to ourselves and take time for issues that matter to us personally, how do we listen to others?