Dear IRS

Dear IRS

Thank you for the letter to inform me that I owe you an additional $120.69.  Your letter states that if I disagree I should notify you.  Obviously, I disagree.  Otherwise I would have paid the extra $120.69 in the first place.  This is much like the fact that the state of Oregon only sent me a check for $69 instead of $200-something that I expected as a refund.  Had they sent me what they should have, I could now be sending you what you want. But they did not.  Maybe you can ask them to send it to you and we will call it good.

I could probably redo all the paperwork to show you why I believe I don’t owe you any more money, but that seems like a futile waste of time.  I already did the paper work once and this was the result.  I highly doubt that anything I have to say on the matter will persuade you otherwise, much like the fact that I can’t persuade the government to spend the money I pay in taxes toward reasonable ends.  

The one thing I can tell you that you shouldn’t be able to refute is that a three-week notice is not really sufficient to pay off that amount.  See, another branch of the government, which lends money to poor people and students, has me in a cesspool of debt which continues to rise daily.  And, well, you have the records of how much money I made last year…   What if someone asked you to give all the money you make to fund ridiculous, overinflated enterprises that you don’t approve of?   You’re lucky I pay what I do.  Here is a little bit.  Hope this is satisfactory.  And when I have some extra change I will be sure to send that your way as well. 

Goodbye,

kid yoshida

catch 22 :: week 1

for the month of june, i am reading catch-22.  the timeline is a little off. due to the students finishing the broadcasting class, i missed the first week entirely. then due to the paradoxical nature of the arguments, tongue twisters and other complexities of this deep novel, 20 pages in half an hour is not very feasible. thus, i will read past 9:00 (as late as 9:30) on most days and will carry over in july. hopefully finish up before KEOL fest.  here is a look back at the first week to get caught up. 

Paradox built upon paradox is the novel of Catch 22.  It is a satire combining the dehumanization of war with a survival impulse.  The book carries paradoxical arguments to the extreme, with rediculous conclusions.  The main point of the novel is to show what happens when the mission of war is determined by people who are not fighting the war.  It is all about waqr and bureacracy. Most frustratingly for everyone involved is the colonal raising of the number of required missions every time the troops get close to finishing their tour of duty. The irony is that the generals are only concerned with getting promotions, while the troops are only concerned with getting home. Neither side appears to care with political or ethical matters.  The text is a disjointed maze of characters and events and tongue twisters.  I cannot explain it adequately, but below is a chapter by chapter review of what was read last week.

Chapter 1  "The Texan"
    Yossarian and Dunbar are faking sickness to remain hospitalized for the duration of the war.  Or at least that was their plan until the Texan is admitted.  The Texan is a very normal fellow, who drives everyone crazy and out of the hospital, back to war.

Chapter 2  "Clevinger"   

    Clevinger is a captain in Yossarian's squadron, who get frustrated with Yossarian’s argument that people are trying to kill him. Yossarian’s theory is that people are trying to kill him because people that don't know him are shooting cannons at his plane. Clevinger thinks Yossarian is crazy because they're trying to kill everyone, but Yossarian is not convinced.    After a fantastic meal prepared by Milo, Yossarian goes to Doc Danneka, who tells Yossairan the colonel wants 50 missions for discharge.  Yossarian, however, only has 44 misions.

Chapter 3 "Havermeyer"
    Yossarian's tentmate Orr obsesses with mechanical engineering devices that he constructs in their tent, which puts Yossarian consistently on edge that he will blow something up.  Orr further annoys Yossarian with stories about why he walked around with crab apples in his cheeks and a standoff ensues.  Orr had been beat over the head by Nately's whore's kid sister creating a raging scene in a whorehouse that Yossarian never understood, but dreaded having to be subjected to the memory of such tomfoolery.       General Dreedle was annoyed by General Pekem's orders, such as having all the tents in all the European theatre face the Washington Monument.  Ex-PFC Wintergreen, who is in charge of mail, throws away all correspondence by General Pekem, which makes General Dreedle succeed in pushing his agenda, which invariably causes the number of missions to be raised to 50 to qualify for discharge.
     Yossarian is now living beside a dead man who has his gun stolen by Havermeyer.  Havermeyer then uses the gun to shoot field mice in his tent at night. If that is not irritating enough to the men, Havermeyer also leads his formations straight and narrow, giving German gunners all the time necessary to blow them out of the sky.  Havermeyer would never return from a mission until absolutely sure the target had been hit and Yossarian did not care at all whether any targets had been hit.  The chapter ends with Hungry Joe getting pissed at Havermeyer for shooting the mice and charges his tent in the middle of the night all guns blazing, bringing the entire thing down with Hungry Joe psychotically babbling as they pull him from a muddied mess.

Chapter 4 "Doc Daneeka"
    Hungry Joe is crazy, so Yossarian decides to help him out, but Hungry Joe won’t listen because he thinks Yossarian is crazy.  Doc Daneeka naturally has worse problems than either of them, due to losing his lucrative medical practice when drafted into the war.     Yossarian disrupts meetings by asking unanswerable questions because he is a collector of good questions. This causes Colonel Cathcart and Lieutenant Colonel Korn to make a rule that the only people who could ask questions were the people who never did.  They also approve a skeet-shooting range at which Yossarian resigns himself to failure - of skeet shooting and gambling. He laments he will never be able to hit a target or make money.  Dunbar, however, shoots skeet frequently because he hates it and believes that boring or uncomfortable activities makes time pass slower, thereby lengthening his life. Then, ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen starts a panic among the officers in Rome by telephoning them and saying only, “T. S. Eliot.”  Although he intends it as a response to a general memo from a colonel saying that it would be hard to name a poet who makes any money, General Peckem assumes that it constitute a coded message and suffers great anxiety as a result.

Chpater 5 "Chief White Halfoat"
    Doc Daneeka shares his tent with an alcoholic Native American named Chief White Halfoat. The chief discusses his family's divinity with Yossarian.  A major oil deposit happened to be located everywhere his family settled, such that they never could get any sleep for being constantly kicked off their land by prospectors. It got so bad that oil companies would kick them off everytime they decided to settle on the land and even waited for them at every turn, beckoning them to settle on any given piece of land and kick them off before they even stopped.      This chapter is the genesis of the title, the biggest conundrum the entire book has to offer.  Catch 22 specifies that a concern for one’s own safety is the process of a rational mind.  Yossarian is mostly concerned with being grounded and getting out of the war. He asks Doc if being crazy is enough reason. It would be enough reason and Yossarian certainly is crazy.  However, there is a rule that in order to be grounded for insanity a pilot must first ask to be grounded. But if a pilot asks to be grounded they must be sane, because it is quite rational to not want to fly bombing missions. Yossarian is impressed and confused at the dilemma, and decides to believe Doc Daneeka.      Another catch is that Yossarian detests his position in the nose of the plane. He is separated from the escape hatch by a passage just wide enough for him to squeeze through, but not with his parachute. Yossarian is always terrified for his life, and the chapter ends with him pleading with the pilot, McWatt, to avoid antiaircraft fire remembering the mission where Snowden died.

Chapter 6 "Hungry Joe"     

      Hungry Joe completes his fifty missions and is awaiting orders to be sent home. But Hungry Joe can't get anything right, not even taking pictures of girls, though he used to be a photographer for Life magazine.  Hungry Joe always accepts the fact that he has to return to duty.  He hears noises in his head and screams in his sleep all night keeping everyone else awake, while denying he has nightmares. Hungry Joe is actually most at ease when things are going worst.
     Orr loses to Appleby in a game of ping pong and then attacks him. A bigger fight breaks out, in which Chief White Halfoat punches Colonel Moodus in the nose. General Dreedle is happy because Colonel Moodus is his cousin-in-law that he can’t stand, so he has Chief While Halfoat punch Moodus in the nose repeatedly.  Chief White Halfoat then threatens his tentmate, Flume, that he will slit his throat from ear to ear.  It’s all just a drunken joke, but Flume is scared into staying awake all night, or at least he dreams he is awake.      Yossarian asks ex-PFC Wintergreen if it is correct that only forty missions are required to satisfy the Twenty-seventh Air Force Headquarters (ten less than Colonel Cathcart requires). Yossarian is thrilled that is true, because he is finished and can go home. However, Wintergreen springs another catch on him, that anyone must do whatever one's commanding officer tells him, no matter what the Air Force says. Furthermore, Yossarian is not pleased to learn that that the colonel has now raised the number of required missions to fifty-five.

Chapter 7 "McWatt"

     McWatt, Yossarian's pilot, is the craziest man in Pianosa because he is perfectly sane and still does not mind the war.  The chapter, however, focuses more on how Milo, the mess hall officer, uses McWatt as a go-between to a fruit trading scheme that will allow him to retain a profit margin even with his strict morals.      

      Milo always wants to serve the best meals and he is duly upset to find out that Colonel Snark put soap in the men's sweet potatoes to prove that they have no sense of taste.  Even though the men get diarrhea, they still ask for more potatoes.  Milo finds out Doc Daneeka has written a letter saying Yossarian should get all the fruit he asks for because he has a liver condition.  Milo is worried about losing profits on his fruit and also finds out that Yossarian doesn't actually have a liver condition.  Instead of eating the fruit, Yossarian gives it to anybody who wants it.  Milo has a strict set of morals, but at the same time his morals require him to charge the highest prices possible. But he will not borrow a package of pitted dates from the mess hall because they're government property.  So, he gets around this by borrowing the same package of pitted dates from Yossarian and trades it as McWatt's interest to a thief with a sweet tooth who stole McWatt's bed sheet from him that morning and thereby manages get both the dates and bed sheet back. Milo keeps a quarter of the bed sheet "for the syndicate" and gives half the bed sheet back to McWatt and a quarter of it to Yossarian along with the dates.  Milo also has no issues with taking goods by force from a foreign trader who doesn't speak English.

Chapter 8 "Lieutenant Scheisskopf"
     Lieutenant Scheisskopf is obsessed with winning parade competitions every weekend for silly prizes. He is so busy preparing for the parades that he doesn't notice his wife cheating on him with any man who wants her, including Yossarian, who sleeps with her every week, even though he's in love her friend Doris Duz. When Doris does not like him, Yossarian takes his frustration out by having sex with Mrs. Scheisskopf.       

     Lieutenant Scheisskopf appoints his own officers instead of letting the men elect them, much to Clevinger's chagrin. Clevinger is a smart Harvard graduate, but has no courage. He and Yossarian had trained together in cadet school.  Against Yossarian's advice, Clevinger suggests that Scheisskopf let his men elect their own officers. Scheisskopf takes the advice and starts winning all the parades.  He then accuses Clevinger of conspiracy to overthrow the officers and puts him on trial before the Action Board, which is dominated by an irrational, bloated colonel who constantly threatens to tear Clevinger limb from limb.  The Action Board makes Clevinger say contradictory things and he is sentenced to fifty-seven tours as punishment.  There is something to the story about fear and hatred from him own countrymen that are creating more of a war on him than the enemy.

Chapter 9  "Major Major Major Major"

      Major Major has no friends because of his strange name. And the story behind it was just as strange with his father playing a joke on his mother, which kills his mother.  Major Major believed his name was Caleb Major and finding out his real name devastates him and alienates him from all his friends.  In school, he wanted to major in English history, but is tormented because it is not American History, so he switches to American Literature.  Major Major is very obedient, always doing what people tell him. Everyone hates him for being good and virtuous and they all assume he has become successful because he looks like Henry Fonda. In fact, they think he is successful because other people actually think he is Henry Fonda.  However, it was an IBM machine with a sense of humor that promotes him to the status of Major.
     When Major Major is shipped overseas, his life suddenly improves. He becomes accepted by other men while playing basketball.  Then, Colonel Cathcart ruins his life further by promoting Major Major to squadron commander. Everyone resents Major Major for his elevated rank. They stop speaking to him and beat him to a bloody pulp while he is wearing a disguise, but he does not take the disguise off because he doesn’t want the men to know that he knows that they are beating their squadron commander.         

       Major Major alleviates his boredom of paperwork by signing "Washington Irving." This stops the cycle of papers comtinually coming back to him for signatures. Two C.I.D. men come looking for Washington Irving and Major Major lies to both of them and they suspect each other of being Washington Irving.       Major Major gives all his subordinates orders that he will see nobody in his office or that no one will ever see him, period, except Yossarian who manages to get an interview with him by literally pouncing on him to request being sent home. The chapter ends with Major Major rationalizing why he must not ever tell anyone there is nothing he can do, because it implies that he would do something if he could, until he finally tells Yossarian there is nothing he can do to help.

dear touring musicians

if you like playing to a crowd, then do not stop in la grande.  unless you are taylor flipping swift, no one here is going to come see you.

the other day an argument came up on the blue social networking site about such few people caring about live music in la grande and said that no one comes EVER. the post was removed by the next day because it was "attracting too much drama" and potentially alienating future patrons.  it was said that the networking site "isn't good for that sort of thing."  now, if that isn't what a networking site is for, then i have no idea what the networking site is good for.  digressing from the point of irrelevance, to the very relevant matter of audiences in la grande...

two main points to be made here.

one is that people continually don't show up to live music events.  it doesn't really matter what the excuse is, there still is always an excuse.  it is not supposed to be taken personally.  it was intended to be a blanket statement that people in la grande don't care about live music. ie, that live music is not a big priority for most residents. no matter when the event is, whether other events are going on or not, turnout is poor.  even the bigger musicians that play in la grande, do so to increasingly smaller crowds.  if it's a local band, people come out to see their friends.  hell, even most of the local bands don't stay around to watch the other bands, unless, there again, a certain relationship exists.  that to me says that people are not interested in seeing the music, but socializing.  when half the audience in the venue gets up to leave when the band starts to play, that is a further indication that no one wants to hear the music.  i challenge anyone to find me one example within the last two years of a traveling musician bringing in anything close to 50 people without the aide of a local band.  good luck finding one in which 20 people showed up.

i'm not saying that people in la grande don't like live music.  they'll pay $100s to go see concerts in tri-cities, boise, portland or anywhere else, but trying getting anyone to a free concert or a $5 or $10 concert in la grande is a ridiculous proposition.  that again suggests something in the way of a popularity contest, rather than interest in live music.  pendleton doesn't seem to have this problem.  on a friday night that people in la grande had "so much going on," one person showed up to the strangled darlings concert (which was advertised in every media outlet in town). contrast to the next night, graduation saturday in pendleton, forty-eight people showed up to see red jacket mine (a concert that was only advertised by the venue itself on a random social network post and a poster in the window).  based on that sampling situation, it would seem that the la grande show should draw in more patrons.   however,  48x more people show up in pendleton?   not that people like in la grande don't like strangled darlings.  a picture of them playing in studio at the radio station received at least 10 "likes", just apparently those ten people didn't like them enough to actually go see them.

the second point is that  this is bad for business.  i like going to live music events.  i do it at least once a week here in la grande.  i don't even really care if no one shows up.  in fact, i like it better when no one shows up.  i am not there to see other people.  and i certainly hate to engage anyone in conversation while the music is playing.  but what is bad about this is that when these bands come here and have a bad experience, word will circulate throughout the industry.  i used to hear radiation city talk a lot about wanting to come play here.  they might still say it, but they don't say it that much anymore.  even if the band gets paid well, it doesn't matter.  they would probably rather have an audience than a paycheck, if they had to choose one of the two.  (if they choose the money, then they are a proprietor and not a musician.)  musicians play to be heard.  if no one hears them, did they play?   once the word circulates that la grande sucks for live music, bands will stop playing here, meaning that i won't get to see as much music and have to continue driving to pendleton once a week.  that will get old.  and i eventually will want to just move to a place where music happens.  i have been to concerts in portland, eugene, tacoma, seattle, in which only a few people show up.  however, i am not worried about those places ceasing to have live music.  in la grande, i seriously do worry about that.  the day the music dies here, if it already hasn't, i am done living here.

i am past the point of trying to tell people in la grande that if you don't come support the few musicians who are willing to come here, then you will never see anyone bigger (like the celebrity mentioned above) play here.  all that really needs to be said is that people don't care about the music.  still, the concept is not supposed to be taken personally.  (if you take such things personally, then maybe there is a reason for that?)   the excuses are endless, "i didn't know" "i forgot" "i was so tired" "i had this other thing to do" "stock show weekend is a really bad time"...  the point is that people have other priorities that matter more than live music.  that is not a bad thing.  kids need to be fed and bathed and stuff.  a person can only do so much.   the statement, like the "alienating" post, is simply recognizing that the market for live music sucks. 

the bully blog

two parts to this blog.  a rant about where bullying comes from based on the film, follwed by a little more concise direction about what to do about bullying.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?

the documentary bully (aka the bully project) takes place mostly in iowa and oklahoma, equally between those two places is where i grew up.  this film is a dead on example of life in the midwest.  the struggles of kids that have no empowerment happens just this way and the film has a real appreciation for the variety of life stories. 

what this film doesn’t spell out, but only inferences, is that the essence of what forms a person’s life experience and personality comes from the home life (or lack thereof).  if parents are alcoholic, abusive, workaholic, or otherwise occupied with things other than taking care of home business, the child pays the biggest price.  fetal alcohol, or any other type of irresponsible things adults can do, creates an unfortunate and undeserving situation for children.  then, mother nature gives premature births, brain damage, or other unfortunate maladies make kids less able to protect themselves be it because of inability to cope, assert themselves, or being smaller in stature.  such kids will be more vulnerable.  they will be targets of being picked on.  then, exacerbating these factors quite often are the economic status of such kids. 

this film doesn’t bring up poverty explicitly, likely because both the bullied as well as the bully come from such backgrounds.  but the cinematography, shows a relative lack of resources, growing up in less than ideal circumstances.  back in the midwest, you’d see the most wicked shit in trailer parks, though my uncle lived in a nice place when i was a kid that i sometimes wish to relive. i’d flip out if i had lived in such high drama places where the cops may as well have lived on site.   even worse, say a child wouldn’t be allowed to have a dog.  or something as seemingly insignificant to a person that takes that kind of thing for granted.  the nature of having a pet or something to take care of and be responsible for has an immeasurable impact on future responsibilities.

the most pertinent aspect that this film does hammer on continually is the role of authorities.  from the outset, a teacher in bully has the audacity to ask the kids “who has a friend?” and then “who has more than one friend?”  what i wanted to know was who asks questions like that?   it’s very clear that people spend too much time wondering what must cause a bully to act as they do, while we forget about the marsh kids are bred in.  the most responsible parties to exacerbating childhood madness are mid-level authorities asserting control, power-tripping fools, rather than having any sort of human connection.  i have definitely seen teachers with less maturity than kids.  

one of the main "authorities", and the film won’t say it because of how taboo the subject, but church is the biggest breeding ground of intolerance.  very few christians actually act christ-like in daily life.  case in point, churches are the last frontier for gay people to have a voice, even though the bible explicitly says to love all people and treat people the way you would want to be treated.  most midwesterners are baptist, which is not exactly the most welcoming of religions.  only in super exceptional cases, like my aunt’s former church that had a comfortable freedom to be yourself, will a church be able to mesh with the outside world.  for the most part, churches are still not overly welcoming of homosexuals.  certain authorities, from cops to preachers to teachers, do a lot to promote hatred, even if unknowingly at times.  and that’s where the film does not miss a beat with “the plastic smiles,” nothing getting done by administration, the frustrated parents… “the atmosphere must be set by the administration. if not, all else fails.”

humans try to find things like cure to cancer?  why does it matter, when we prove over and over that we will find senseless ways to kill ourselves anyway?  if we can’t figure out how to care about other people, it doesn’t really matter if we can live forever.  there is always a darwin award waiting to be given to the most irresponsible person.  and the competition for such awards is so high it is nearly an olympic event.  how do stupidity and shortsightedness help a cause to be compassionate about the future of humanity? 

“you feel that way until you’re in that situation. then it’s personal.”  this can apply to both the bullies and the bullied.  in a "personal" situation in the film, the teacher completely missed by chewing out the kid who got bullied and let the bully off the hook. her rationale of “he was saying he’s sorry!” drew loud laughter from the audience.  obviously if you cater to someone, they are going to act accordingly.  and why should the bullied kid care about an empty apology from either of those fake people?   “they push me so far that i wanna be the bully.”  from every side it makes sense to be a bully.  when administrators feed into it and when it meets a person’s needs, life becomes easy that way.  we need more attention paid to what enables a bully.  erase the playing field, make everyone equal.

of all the extreme acts of desperation the film shows us, the one we think about the least is the bullied becoming the bully in an extreme act of desperation when the girl brought her mother’s gun on the bus.  apparently tired of hearing references to being sexually abused, she goes bat crazy on some dudes.  but then what happens?  for a largely understandable reaction, the teenager gets threatened with 45 felony charges from a hard line cop.  he pushed 22 charges of kidnapping on her!  for gods sake, she isn’t responsible for other kids being on the bus or where they were going or when they could get off the bus.  she wasn’t holding anyone against their will.  she was pissed and going after her perpetrators.  the tension kept building, because the bus drivers and all others “in charge” never did shit!   besides, what is the penalty for scaring someone?  “there is nothing we can do,” the white cop says to the black mother.  that was the repeating scenario: from the principal, to the school board, to the police, “nobody does nothing” except exacerbate problems by turning a blind eye.   “kids will be kids, boys will be boys,” and “it’s complicated and difficult, but…” and the administrators voice trails off.  there is a word for that approach, it’s called apathy.  and apathy has never done anything but give fuel to a fire.

the approach goes so far as to the school pushing the problem back onto the parents.  in almost every case, parents feel more empathy with kids than a school official can, even if the parents and kids don't get along. the parent's in the school meeting at the end are the only ones with enough courage to fire back at the police chief at the first mention of taking a hard stand, when a mother asked why the officers in the school refused to file charges after abuses had taken place.  what response did the police chief have for that?  nothing, of course, while undoubtedly thinking, “yep! fucked that one up.”

instead of solving problems, they keep fucking up.  even after videos from the bus route showed kids being cruel, the administrator said those kids are “good as gold” and thus “politicianed” the parents.  the school must really believe kids are stupid.  kids can read such behavior, body language by school officials. they don't understand the politically correct language that adults spend hours in offices trying to perfect.  they do understand the writing between the lines. and from that are the boundaries they will test.  it’s almost like modeling in reverse.  kids learn not to trust such people and act completely the opposite.  if only it made sense at a young age not to trust advertisers, popularity contests, or other gimmicks.  few kids are lucky to understand that which provides much strength to tackle life’s bullshit.  one poor kid in the film did, left without his friend who had committed suicide, said, “i used to be be a bully…then i decided to be cool with everyone.”  he got it. 

despite the administrators treating kids like they’re stupid, the kids in the film had the wisdom that none of the adults had. they were the ones learning lessons such as “you’re not standing up for yourself, you’re standing up for everyone around you.”   the kids were the ones that not willing to back down, “if i leave, they win,” or “i don’t believe in luck, i believe in hope.”   these kids continually spouted off gandhi-level wisdoms, while the administrators had a steady arsenal of ums and buts.

bully does try to turn out somewhat of a feel good story.  in the end, the main kid finds friends.  and whereas it is true that things do get better, adults so burnt out from the struggle will get excited for any solution that they rely on catchphrases like “oh, it’ll be ok.”  no matter how a statement is meant, it gets taken in as thoughtless and blowing off the kids.  people have to dig deeper for solutions.  of course things will be ok.  things come in cycles, they get better, they get worse.  almost anyone, even a little kid, can understand that.  but that doesn’t make current life any more bearable or help someone wish to keep living a nightmare.  taking care of people is hard work.  like taking care of ourself, we have to keep our guard up.  we also have to keep our guard up when taking care of other people.  and taking care of other people, even those we don’t agree with, is what enables us to be able to, in turn, take care of ourselves.  and since kids aren’t stupid, they understand at least on an intrinsic level.  but as kids get more sick of dealing with bullshit (ie, the cesspool environment they are provided), the less motivated they are to even try to help themselves or others.  by the time they get to be adults and have to deal with the shit that other adults put out, no more mr. nice guy is god damn right!  someone has to be responsible.  as the film said “everything starts with one.”  that “one” starts with the people who have been around the block enough to know how to act, teaching the young ones.  adults, however, are not always that competent.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

after the film, the moderator, a school counselor, asked, what is the one thing you can do?  the ultimate answers were, “make sure they’re safe” and then “ask them what they need.”  that’s the physical side, like if we wanted to teach a first aid responder course. that’s the “cure” phase of a situation.  as usual, and not intrinsically understood by a capitalist society, the more valuable piece is prevention.

in my experience as a child, life was rough from my earliest memories (about second grade). junior high school was particularly brutal.  i found ways to cope, the easiest might be the fact that i had moved around so much and been in so many different schools, that the bullies didn’t have a lot of time to figure me out.  not that i had time to learn how to build any relationships either, so i was particularly aloof and by most measures not concerned with a damn thing. by high school, things just rolled off my shoulder, particularly after three noteworthy character building and asserting moments during my freshman year.

strength in resiliency was a particularly useful tool learn, as was a stoic feeling toward inevitable bad results.  resiliency helps growth, such as the thinking that, “if i leave, they win.”  it’s not easy to stand up for yourself, as the discussion participants acknowledged, but once you get knocked to the ground, beat up and bones broken enough times, you eventually figure out that if you’re going to get your ass kicked anyway, you might as well get a few punches in on the way down. if nothing else, it builds a certain level of fearlessness.

by high school though, two somewhat taboo things helped me.  things which the church would probably advise agasint as well. 

rock and roll was the main one. this is more than some silly catch phrase. this is a real religion.  some people accused bands like suicidal tendencies for causing teen suicides.  i would accuse them only of being lifesavers by giving me something to relate to.  knowing that other people struggle is the first step to building empowerment and community.  that’s a hard thing to understand when all you see is another fist punching you in the nose.  (and you can use that thought metaphorically from the neighborhood bully all the way to the president of the united states.)  no matter where i was or what i dealt with, most pain was dealt with by the spirit of rock and roll.  then the grooves of funk.  then the swing of jazz.  that was a community.  that was healing.  a person becomes one with nature and free-spirited in more facets of life through music. even plants do.  when one becomes more loose and free-spirited, that also makes it easier to find friends.  so, if you’re looking for help from me to deal with bullying abuse, look up suicidal tendencies.  they’re still kicking bullies asses 30 years after making their first appearance appearance on the repo man soundtrack.  exactly 25 years ago,  their album “how will i laugh tomorrow, when i can’t even smile today” showed me that other people felt the same pain i did.  the band lineup has revolved, but still some bass wrecking, guitar rippin’ guys backing up mike muir.  s.t. is back this year with an album called 13.  it is among their best.  if they do not beome rock and roll hall of famers, they will at least become rabble rouser hall of famers.  listen to them and figure out how to save yourself.  jello biafra and iggy pop are still around with new music to make you feel pissed off, bull-headed and motivated as well. thanks to people like eternal tapestry and tartufi for manning a different post in making life relaxed enough to stop and put all the pieces together to figure things out.  there are many other characters in the rock and roll saga, but you get the idea. tell a bully, “you may hurt me, but i’ll still have more fun because your life will be more miserable the more you hurt me."  that is karma.  don’t think about karma being religious based.  karma happens all over the natural world.  every action comes with a reaction.   “rock and roll will save your save your soul,” is a fact not just a cliché.

the second main thing that helped is probably even more taboo: marijuana and lsd.  by the time i moved to yet another new town to begin high school, i had long lost concern with even trying to make friends.  i knew i fit in even less in a rich kid school than the trashy community i had come from.  after those three main unmentioned events, mentioned above, in my freshman year, i finally found an outlet to cool.  the stoner kids were the most tolerant of any group on campus.  despite the propaganda against it, marijuana is known for many therapeutic uses,  one great one in this situation is how it mellows people out.  and let's not even imagine how comfortable of a relationship you need to feel with a person if you are willing to take acid with them.  by that point, you know you have people you can relate to.  this isn’t to advocate smoking weed or doing drugs.  if there is another way, go that way!  still, marijuana is such a powerful sent-from-above coping mechanism with so many healing properties that i can’t believe it has taken so long for people to become accepting.  the reason it has taken so long is undoubtedly tied to the same reasons that foster bullying: people have continued fascinations with making money, being powerful, living high class and shitting on those that don’t share that vision.  that’s a different and longer argument, but the main point being give someone a different outlet and some good reasons for existence, and the result output is accordingly positive.

but outlets only work if one is provided a key to the lock. what if, as most kids fear, the whole world really is against you?   in my nasty junior high school years, i broke several bones, had many more dark courtyard scuffles, locked inside lockers, stuffed into trash cans, pestered with verbal abuse, bus experiences were as bad as those shown on the film and on and on. but all that was just preparation.  in the end, junior high school was easy to tolerate above the abuse that “adults” deal to each other daily, namely th epolitics of grad school.

the worst bullying i ever dealt with was the psychological bullying from the university of ******.    a woman named ****** ***** ******** was the biggest bully with a flock of sheep that carried out her authority for their own political agendas and job security.  what do you do about that?  i’ll give you an honorary masters degree if you can figure that out.  when you have been bullied by an administration, who do you seek justice from?  the dean?  then the provost?  that was the end of line, because the president sure never would deal with such dirty work.  he was busy digging his own grave with the governor.  and they still can’t believe they had to let their president resign?  loyal to the death, the administration spoke out so approvingly of the jackass.  the first year and a half, school was just more than neccesary.  living in ****** wasn’t nice, but it worked out.  by the last year and a half, i lived in ********** and tolerated life in general much better, but the grad school side of life had begun and was the worst abuse i ever dealt with.  when i went through the greivance process, they denied everything, and everyone backed the bullies up.  even the people within who knew what was going on wouldn’t say anything.  what would their comments have done but get them blacklisted as well?  so, who do you go to?  a lawyer?  i tried contacting at least ten.  not one responded, except for a friend of a friend, who didn’t live in the state and didn’t have any recourse.  what do you do when you’ve risen to the top of the scrap heap and still have no help?   all that remain are a bunch of scars, which have landed you $60,000 in debt, and counting. further into debt everyday i wake up.  on some level, the nightmare doesn’t end. on some level, i can only revert to the resiliency learned long ago, to laugh shit off and crank up the rock and roll.  so you “beat” me.  fuck you!  i’m still alive and screaming at you. 

if the simple path doesn’t get you to the destination, here are a few other odds and ends, general guidelines discussed follwing the film.

- pay attention to the successes in your life and be appreciative of the good things you do have. don’t get a vanity plate that reads “fml” if you drive a mercedes for god’s sake.

- look for places outside the places of stress. not fitting in is even more cool than being cool.  the stoners in high school didn’t fit in, that’s how i related. sucidal tendencies weren’t a mainstream top 40 band that sang love songs, but they were emmensly cooler and more original because of it.

- educate the next person. if you are going to have to struggle, the least you can do is try to alleviate struggles for the next person.  use that experience and self-awareness to benefit other people. test your own personal boudaries and then share that information. help people recognize their own empowerment.

- listen to others and set aside your own personal crap.  the main problem all this goes back to is that no one listens.  people get exhausted with life and walk like a zombie through it.  resist that!  listening is hard work, but it’s the only way to understand.  and listening is not a game of waiting for a break in the conversation to get in the point you want to make. 

everyday of my life, i encounter people that are so consumed with their own problems that they do not share their experience and/or do not adequately listen. this is speaking in general, not just about solving one person’s problem with bullying or anything else.  having compassion and setting aside your own beliefs is obviously difficult.  after so many millinnea, humanity still repeats the same mistakes over and over.  until we are ready to sit down and listen and put others before self, we continue down the path to doomsday.  how many people would be willing to spend and entire day writing a blog about their feelings on a subject?    if we can’t listen to ourselves and take time for issues that matter to us personally, how do we listen to others?

fagbug comes to la grande!

fagbug comes to la grande!

well, not really, but even better. erin davies, driver of the fagbug, from syracuse, ny, visited eou this past tuesday to show a clip of her documentary fagbug and give a poignant perception into a daring venture in which she has brought hope to many and discomfort to a few.  erin has laid it all out on the line and opened up her life since her vw bug was vandalized 6 years ago. she decided against covering up the graffiti, which read “fag” on the door and “ur gay” on the windshield.  instead, she began driving all over the usa to spread her own example of why hate and discrimination is the death of society.  after one year, the graffiti was finally removed and replaced
with a vinyl rainbow wrap and the script “fagbug” with her website to raise even more awareness.


erin has driven the fagbug to 49 states, with alaska coming up in a couple weeks.  in the time since the initial vandalization, the car has been vandalized 12 more times.  several times it has been spit on, a few times egged, even once had a stolen dog thrown onto it!   add onto that nasty, negative, rude comments and insults.  some people have thought the car was cute until they knew what it was about. others have contracted her to speaking engagements, only to cancel when they found out the car wouldn’t be present.  others still have asked her to speak with a contract mandating that the car would not be present on their property.  she’s seen people so enamored to nearly crash into her trying to take her picture as she motors down the interstate. she’s seen every kind of unreasonable behavior and wishy-washy feeling imaginable from all types of people.  and let’s not forget there are always cops!  erin has received over $2000 in fines for things such as “improper signage” and “letters more than 2 inches high.”

erin has done more than 500 interviews, and only 5 or 6 of those were adverse, though the people with ill-will usually decline interviews.  she has received over 350 notes on the fagbug, and only 5 were negative.  what, she can only wonder, would be her job prospects if she tried to change jobs?  the rabble rouser believes her prospects to be endless!  however, she was fired from a student teaching post after only 9 days because she dared to exert the freedom to be herself.  the crowd at her eou talk also saw how frivolously we waste our time. out of 40 people in the room, only three admitted to not having sent a text in the past day.  are any of us considerate in the way we interact with others?  do we give our encounters the care they deserve?   or do we brush them off according to our own perceptions of what they were worth?   certainly, my own interaction with erin was very short while other people waited to talk to her and i was headed to another concert.  yet she did encourage us to stop and take the time to write handwritten letters.  i already make the practice of writing at least one letter per month, but it’s still not easy for me to slow down to do such a task.  just try and give that a shot!  it might be difficult enough to just to find out where people live.   but writing to a friend or a family member is work put in for someone more than a stranger, yet we still can’t do that carefully enough.  so, how much are we equipped to help a stranger?  or to put that in selfish american terms, how much should we expect a total stranger to be able to help us if we were in a tough spot?

erin could have cleaned off the graffiti on her car and took the simple route back to her own private place, but to how much shame and to how much loss for the rest of us?  she was able to share a message to thousands and make immeasurable differences in the lives of more than one person. she understands the importance of strangers that have made everything possible.  those of us compassionate enough to empathize with the personal and professional sacrifices she has made to extend her message are those strangers that give her what it takes to keep going. please look up erin and tell her what you think!

find her at her website fagbug.com.  the film itself can be purchased on the site, or streamed for free at http://bit.ly/sharfagbug.  as any of us who have tried to sell merch know, it is a money losing proposition but still great for raising awareness, so help her out if you can.  erin has plans for a follow up documentary called fagbug nation about her trip to all 50 states and a children’s book called rainbow bug.  yes!  can we please start informing kids about tolerance from the time they begin to walk?   for the love of our own kids, like jadin bell, who deserved to grow up in an environment free of hate.

on that note, let's pause to breathe until the next blog about the film bully...

top 5 sports movies

the last blog was an assignment to discuss the top 5 sports songs, which i felt pretty comfortable in my selections.  next up, top 5 sports movies of all time.  there are a ton of sports movies, made since the 1890s, such that it would be impossible for even a movie "expert" to be able to make such a list.  i am not an expert on movies in general, much less sports movies.  i have said over and over that the only good movies were made in the early 1930s.  after that, they are mostly not worth watching. maybe one per year, or a few essential ones per decade.  that is, it is mostly a waste of time to watch movies, even television is probably more valuable than the hollywood motion picture industry.  and we all know how much i care about sports in general.  so combine the two worlds and i am not likely to be of much help in guiding you to the promised land of the definitive sports movie.  that all said, i have still seen maybe as many as 3% of all the sports movies ever made, which is probably more than the average person.

some interesting things that came from this exercise: there were at least three sports movies made in the 1890s.  all about the same sport.  can you guess what that is?  here's a hint to anyone who have read any of my previous sports related blogs this year, it's a "real" sport.  evidenced now by the fact that people made movies about it at a time when movies weren't even being made. answer to come.  there were at least three movies made in the 1930s about college football players being paid money.  there was a football made in the 1970s about terrorism.  the more i find out about these movies, the more discouraged i get about being an american.  land of the forgetful, where we still have the same discussions 80 years later.  why haven't we found a solution to these things?  we're still talking about college football players getting paid under the table.  we're still worried about terrorism, though the answer is really quite simple. we're still finding ways to make lesser and lesser "sports" bigger and better.  we're still we're still looking for answers in the wrong places it would seem.  we're still making sports a primarily important part of our lives, though anyone with a strong moral make up would not give sports that much importance. it goes hand in hand with bars and drinking, i would assume.

in line with quitting the drunk talk and starting the discussion for real, i will be reducing my role on the sports show and focusing of things that matter.  on june 17, my role will be either reduced. but panda and myself will begin a more socially engaging show.  but for now, on with the assignment.

5. heading home (1920)

about the young babe ruth. played by babe ruth.  think about how important babe ruth has been to the sports world. think about all of his accomplishments. think about how many people had movies made about them in 1920.  then think about the fact that babe ruth didn't even start making a name for himself until 1920 when he debuted for the yankees.  the fact that someone made a movie of him starring him in 1920 as opposed to 1930 says that he was a big star before he even became a big star. watch the entire movie above.

4. paper lion (1968)

a film starring alan alda, which i have not even seen, though still confident enough to place on the top five list. george plimpton was a socialite founder of the paris review (also a writer for sports illustrated) who tried his hand at virtually all walks of life. this film was made based off his book about being a quarterback for the detroit lions.  there is a documentary called "plimpton! starring george plimpton as himself" (2012, trailer is above) which screened at the eastern oregon film fest and is more wide reaching in scope, covering plimpton's attempts at playing goaltender with the boston bruins, boxing matches with sugar ray robinson and archie moore and other disasters.

3. a league of their own (1992)

baseball is the american past time, something exactly between a sport and a game.  directed by lavern (penny marshall) about the women's baseball league that was formed during the war years while the men were away in wwii. casting is amazing, in so much that a cast of all-stars never usually turns out to be very much worth watching. music is composed by hans zimmer, who is normally reserved big theatrical musical opuses like "pirates of the carribean".  but the messages of sexism (and even racism - check out the scene where the black woman on the sidelines fires the ball back into the field - that would be mamie "peanut" johnson) in sports underline the story.  the characters within a baseball roster are very adequately considered.  but the best character play of all, tom hanks as jimmy dugan, a former superstar slugger, now a has been, who could care less about the game or life at all for that matter. he just lets it all hang out and tell people exactly how he feels, such as autographing a baseball for two kids that reads "avoid the clap, jimmy dugan" or declining to show up for games at all due to his drunkeness.  this film is carefully constructed and every scene in it is an extreme examination of lives and puts sports on a second tier of importance.  that is the factor that makes this film better than "major league" which was popular at the same time.  "major league" was less of a social examination and more of a baseball character study.  still funny, still important, but not what "a league of their own" was.

2. the hurricane  (1999)

starring denzel washington as rubin "hurricane" carter, an african american ex-con who reformed his life to become a title contender in the early to mid 1960s, before his career was ended when he was convicted of a payback murder.  after 19 years in prison, carter was exonerated when the improper court case was re-examined.  he has been a social activist on different levels since.  when it was freshly released, it became one of my favorite movies of all time.  however, in hind sight, i put it down the list because it is typical hollywood fare, a feel good story where justice is always served correctly in the end.  it gets numerous things wrong. such as making carter look like another mohammed ali, when in reality his boxing record was spotty at best. the film focuses on racism, and while there was some racist problems faced this was more of a "man against the bastard" type story.  there were lies. conflicting testimony, recantations, recantations of those recantations, re-trial, re-sentences, celebrity interaction and endorsements and more. bob dylan recorded his song "hurricane" shortly after his conviction in the late sixties.
hurricane carter became a celebrity due to the ordeal and the story of him is very compelling, if the film is not so much. it certainly is worth watching as opposed to this jodi arias crap we are force fed now.  and denzel washington shows off terrific skill as an actor with a terrific representation of carter.

1. on the waterfront  (1954)

starring marlon brando as an ex-boxer turned a waterfront dock worker fighting the corruption of his gangster boss, who is also head of the union.  brando threw a fight to win a bet for his brother and his cronies.  it ruined his boxing career.  likewise, all the other characters in the film plead "d & d" in court to protect their corrupt union boss.  this film follows a thread of people not being responsible for their actions (or inactions).  fear dictates what people will do and say.  this was an early film to question the merits of the union structure and question whether the union would allow injustice.  this film doesn't simply bastardize the role of the informer, but almost gives it high merit in showing the struggles an informer faces.  that is appropriate because it has also been said that the film is an allegory for the red scare. and the director elia kazan allegedly played a leading role in being an informer to the government of the other hollywood celebrities being ratted out for supposedly having communist ties.
there is a reason this film is one of the greatest of all time and the above clip is an essential briefing on how sports careers are made and broken, how lives are made and broken, by others policies. a film like this is another reason to care about things more important than sports.


and to answer the above question: what sport is featured in films dating back to the 1890s?  boxing.
as i said in the previous blogs about soccer:  games happen within the mind, sports are physical.  unless you are held directly accountable for your cockiness, trash talking and other sports type mojo, then you are not playing a real sport.  soccer and basketball players are particularly infamous for not having to back up what they say.  they just get ridiculed by the press if they turn out to be wrong, but they still have a job and get a ridiculous paycheck.  boxers and hockey players always think twice about what they say because they will lose teeth for their opinions. their careers will be jeopardized. there is a huge measure of accountability. those are real sports.

DJ YeTi's list is here with the notes on the double y-ed facebook page.
here are few more sports movies that i could have just easily included on this list:

qurterback princess (1983, stars helen hunt as a high school girl in mcminnville, oregon who tries to make the football team.  there is a similar more recent film starring ice cube.)
slap shot (1977, hockey comedy starring paul newman)
raging bull (1983, scorsese boxing film starring robert deniro)
the natural (1983, starring robert redford, glenn close & robert duvall about an unkonwn baseball player who suddenly appears with superstar talent)
kingpin (1996, starring bill murray & woody harrelson in a comedy about bowling)
major league (1989, baseball comedy starring tom berenger & charlie sheen)
running brave (1983, story of billy mills, an obscure american indian who wins the 10,000 meters at the olympics in tokyo)
bang the drum slowly (1973 baseball film that made robert deniro a huge star)
eight men out (1988, stars john cusack & db sweeney in a story about the 1919 chicago black sox scandal)

field of dreams (1989, starring kevin costner who hears voices telling him to build a stadium, another chicago black sox scandal driven film)
brewster's millions (1983, comedy starring richard pryor & john candy about a minor leaguer that has 30 days to spend $30 million)
bad news bears (1976, comedy starring walter matthau. 2005 remake stars billy bob thornton)
the adventures of bob & doug mckenzie: strange brew (1983, comedy starring dave thomas & rick moranis, somewhat about hockey in so much as hockey would be featured in just about any canadian movie)
cool runnings (1993, all star cast in a comedy about the jamaican olympic bobsled team)
kansas city bomber (1972, raquel welch playing roller derby)
moneyball (2011, starring brad pitt as billy bean who uses a formulaic approach to creating a contending team with virtually no budget)
white men can't jump (1992, basketball comedy starring wesley snipes & woody harrelson)
the great race (1965, starring jack lemmon, tony curtis & natalie wood about a three continent car race)
cannonball run (1981, slapstick comedy starring burt reynolds, roger moore, jackie chan, farrah fawcett, most of the rat pack and may other celebrities about a "sea to shining sea" road race)
enter the dragon (1973, bruce lee's final film & the first martial arts film produced by a major hollywood motion picture agency)
rocky III (1982, starring sly stallone, this is the one where he beats mr t.  although we understand that would never happen in real life just about the same as canseco would never beat shaq in real life, this is still the hands down best of the six-film series)
absent minded professor (1961, disney film starring fred macmurray who creates the flubber ball)
heaven can wait (1978, starring warren beatty as a los angeles rams quarterback who is taken away too soon & the angels send him back to earth as a different person)
remember the titans (2000, starring denzel washington as a motivational football coach)
loneliness of the long distance runner (1962, starring tom courtenay as a rebellious youth marathon runner)
winning team (1952, starring ronald reagan as grover cleveland alexander)
beer league (2006, starring artie lange about a nobody who encourages his softball teammates to pick it up a notch)

top 5 sports songs

...this is the latest assignment that i would never even consider if not for being part of a sports talk show...

top 5 sports songs of all time  (yoshida's list, YeTi's list to come...)

1. todd snider - america's favorite pastime

my favorite historical team is no doubt the pittsburgh pirates, and having the most famous portland singer to have a song about the pirates, specifically doc ellis pitching a no-hitter on lsd, makes for about the most perfect song about sports. rabble rouser hall of fame material.  another portlander david frishberg recorded a baseball song called van lingle mungo about van lingle and others.  and while we're on the subject of baseball and local legends, check out #4.

2. stompin' tom connors - hockey song 

the hockey song has been a staple of hockey games all over canada and the NHL for the last 20 years & is the intro song for the toronto maple leafs. written by canadian folk singer tom connors, who had several other hit songs about hockey.  connors passed away in ontario on march 6, 2013.   (of course the zambonis have songs exclusively about hockey if connors doesn't have enough for you! myspace has a catalog of about seven albums, starting with this one: drop that puck!)

3. ry cooder - third base, dodger stadium

another baseball song, ry cooder sang this one about the struggles of a people to survive when their meager existence is bulldozed by a professional sports organization searching for the cheapest land to build a baseball mecca.  chuck brodsky also has an excellent social justice baseball song called the ballad of eddie klepp on racial integration as the first white man to play in the negro leagues.

4. jeff arundel - harmon killebrew
long time minnesota twin harmon killebrew was by far the best baseball player to come from the state of oregon. maybe technically idaho, harmon grew up around ontario.  he played five partial and two full seasons with the washington senators getting an all-star nod and an AL home run crown in 1959. after the senators moved to minnesota in 1960, he played 14 more seasons with the twins, appearing in 10 all-star games, winning five more home run crowns and one MVP among many other awards.  he retired after playing the 1975 season with kansas city, finishing #2 on the all time american league home run list behind babe ruth and #1 in major league history among right handed hitters. the minnesota twins retired his #3 in 1975.  this song was written and recorded by minnesota folk singer jeff arundel.

5.  gary glitter - rock n roll part 2
the most famously played song in sporting venues across america is undoubtedly rock and roll part 2 by gary glitter.  few people know who actually recorded the song, or the title of it.  there is good reason for this.  in the late 1990s glitter took his computer in for repairs and was arrested after the techs found it littered with child porn.  the song was pulled from most stadiums for a couple of years, only to be slowly re-introduced only without anyone really talking about the artist.  after his four months in jail in britain, he fled the country on his yacht, ultimately ending up in cambodia. in 2002, he was deported from cambodia on child sex accusations. he went to vietnam, where in 2006 he was imprisoned for two years on child sex charges. he is currently living a quiet life back in britain and is banned entry to at least 19 different countries.

had it been a "top ten" assignment, here are a few more songs that probably would have made the list...
cab calloway - minnie the moocher 
sister sledge - we are family 
village people - ymca 
ac/dc - thunderstruck
terry cashman - talkin baseball
frances scott key - star spangled banner


tune in the double y-ed sports show every monday from noon to 2pm (pacific) on KEOL. 
next week's show: top 5 sports movies of all time